I don't know me

I was sitting alone in my room, thoughts were flying everywhere. Whole day I had been so lost, without emotion and without tears. I was sad and disappointed, should be crying then. Surprisingly, there was no tear, I was too numbed to shed tears or frown. Nothing could be done for what was done. Few weeks ago, I had confronted a goddamn pastor. I remembered me saying this right to his poker face, “You never mean what you say, so don’t say anything.” I was always what I said, no fault no hypocrisy you could find in me, the most you could hate my very stubborn truthfulness. I am a changed man now. Perhaps this goddamn pastor had installed his goddamn hypocrisy in me without me realizing it. I was so sick of the system, being grade as average one. The only solution is to climb up the distinction ladder, yet I was incapable to do so. Thus, the blame- me- attitude blossomed in the already weakened inner man, defense system collapsed in the wave tossed in the ocean of guilt and anguish.

Ever since I was born in the world, I had the feeling of being thrown away when I failed to be the brightest star.  I picked myself from the slum and struggled to reach the moon. Never one day in my life was the dreams- come- true, but I’d never give up. Time passed. Things changed. I grabbed a star, though it was not the brightest but it was shiny still. I thought I would be happy but when I see a passer-by got a handful of dazzlingly shining stars, immediately the curve of my lips turning back to its original upside down. I knew I didn’t successfully write the history of the year, would definitely be forgotten. I gave up. I gave up crying, and I gave up weeping. I gave myself up, “This is rubbish,” I pointed to myself, and I threw me away. And I don’t know me.