Still a HUMAN?

I have been a good Christian, but nowadays I have started to drift away from the Kingdom seems like not belong to me. The "Mr.Good Man" inside me is getting away form my soul, Christian cycle does not welcome me since I am not Christian enough, the world does not like me because I am not cool enough for them. Is there a twilight zone for an outcast like me?
Well, all those stupid jerks are nothing but goddamn suckers! When they need something from me, they act to be so nice to me, once I give them the honey they want, they turn their back and let me thrown away like an used-tissue paper.
Is this the world ought to be?
I don't understand.
I can't see, neither can I feel a trace of love in this failing world.
Only disgusting mutualism and stinking hypocrisy I see.
Sigh.
I don't care anymore.
As far as I concern, though I fail in everything I do, I don't want to fail to become a human.
Because I was created to be one. 

Not a LOSER

I had lost in the competition, not being able to perform excellently as how I expected. Well, I am quite used to losing, sounds like I had never won before. It's true that I neither won nor stand out in any of the competitive events. Not that I don't want to, but I hate the fact that I am not able to. In other words, I am good at losing not winning ; I am just a participant to make the winner shine brighter in my dimness, a  byplay to make the hero heroic, a side dishes to make the main course look delicious, a green leave that contrasts the beauty of a flower. If this is the role which is given by God, He is the Director and I have to accept whatever He gives, even being a loser in this melodrama.

Little did I know that I am such a naughty one; being a loser, I don't get appreciated for taking the place no one else would take, but I am freaking happy too to see the goddamn long faces that my lecturers gave after I lost. Oops, I am so sorry that I had disappointed you, but don't you think that you owe me a goddamn apologize for   making me a loser? My disability does reflect your teaching capability, thus, if I'm a loser , then you are a sucker!

I don't mind losing, but the consolation from those insensitive people deserve  little gratitude from me.I can share the joy with my friends, though I am not in the wining shoes, can you? I have the courage to fight the giants even I may look like a pity grasshopper to them, can you? I have the strength to swim against the oceans of odds, can you? I have bravery to pick myself up from the dirt, can you? I have the boldness to stand up for injustice, can you? I have the sincerity to love those who might stab my back, can you? I do all these without a gold medal but all in secret, can you?

If you can't do what I do, then stop calling me  loser. Because I am not a loser, just because of a stupid competition. I can't run fast, but I'll never stop running until I reach the goal.Because I am not a loser.      

I don't know me

I was sitting alone in my room, thoughts were flying everywhere. Whole day I had been so lost, without emotion and without tears. I was sad and disappointed, should be crying then. Surprisingly, there was no tear, I was too numbed to shed tears or frown. Nothing could be done for what was done. Few weeks ago, I had confronted a goddamn pastor. I remembered me saying this right to his poker face, “You never mean what you say, so don’t say anything.” I was always what I said, no fault no hypocrisy you could find in me, the most you could hate my very stubborn truthfulness. I am a changed man now. Perhaps this goddamn pastor had installed his goddamn hypocrisy in me without me realizing it. I was so sick of the system, being grade as average one. The only solution is to climb up the distinction ladder, yet I was incapable to do so. Thus, the blame- me- attitude blossomed in the already weakened inner man, defense system collapsed in the wave tossed in the ocean of guilt and anguish.

Ever since I was born in the world, I had the feeling of being thrown away when I failed to be the brightest star.  I picked myself from the slum and struggled to reach the moon. Never one day in my life was the dreams- come- true, but I’d never give up. Time passed. Things changed. I grabbed a star, though it was not the brightest but it was shiny still. I thought I would be happy but when I see a passer-by got a handful of dazzlingly shining stars, immediately the curve of my lips turning back to its original upside down. I knew I didn’t successfully write the history of the year, would definitely be forgotten. I gave up. I gave up crying, and I gave up weeping. I gave myself up, “This is rubbish,” I pointed to myself, and I threw me away. And I don’t know me.

where is my fire?

I was stunned when a non-believer friend threw this question on my face.
Where is your fire?
It is dying out.
I mumbled while my eyes were trying to avoid his.
I felt so ashamed to tell him the answer, but anyhow I told him the truth.
I am tired.
Seriously I think I should ask myself and God about this as well.
I remembered the days when I was jumping praising Him during Sunday celebrations, the mornings I woke up earlier just to pray, the afternoon I spent in orpanange teaching the childeren, the evenings when few of us gathered for prayers, and the nights when I joined the worship practise...and also the piled up books which I should study for the day itself,
were left abondoned on my study desk.
Lord, is this my limit?
I am not satisfied. It must be more than this...
but where is my fire?
Lord, I thirst and I am tired. My soul is crying out for You.
Tell me Lord, where is my fire?
Ignite the fire in my heart again, O Lord. This is for You.
I pray.

Why him?

Today was the day I really felt like crying in the dissection hall, not because of the irritating formalin. It was all because of him.
Lord, I guess I challenge You too much..is it the way You answer me? I feel so burdened in my heart. Out of so many people, why him?
I neither could understand what he was trying to teach nor feel his enthusiatism to teach us.
Lord, I know I prayed: Stretch me to the maximum.
But, is this truly the way You are stretching me and not torturing me?
I think this is the first time I need to refer at least a few books just to catch up what I missed during the two hours dissection which I had not learnt anything.
I am draining out of energy.
Lord, let me draw strength from You.
I believe that You will never give me a task which is too heavy for me.
Lord, enlarge my capacity for all the challenges lie ahead.
and I wanna to let You know that:
I never regret of challenging You.
I pray for the best to come even though I am in the worst situation now.
Because You are in control of everything.

My Future Decided

You had been looking for me
in this fallen world
You have found me and You take me into Your house
and You have clothed me with Your glory
without even looking at what is in me
You love me just as the day You had created me
in Your very own image
I am greatly humbled by the life You have given to me
times after times I feel unworthy to have Your love
yet unceasingly You remind me about Your grace
it is more than enough for me
I know that You have wonderful plans for me
though I may not know anything
yet I believe
though I may not understand things that happened to me
yet I believe
though I cried over my pain
yet I believe
though I am burning out just to give You my very best
yet I believe
my future decided
in the Potter's Hand
and this is the same loving Hands
holding me now..

Abba Father, promise me that You'll never let me go...

I love You more

I was tired, my eyes were half closed.
My spirit is willing yet my flesh is too weak.
Lord, let me draw strength from You.
I used to look at Peter, James, and John a kind when I came across the passage about Jesus in Gethsemane. Why not they stayed up just for another hour and prayed together with Jesus? Why they left Jesus alone when He needed someone to pray together with Him?
Now I undersand. We are just human and we are weak.
I pushed the piled up references books away and once again I opened my Bible.
I mumbled the short prayers and I nearly fell asleep. My heart was burdened with endless exams and tests, assignment and work.
Yet, I prayed:
Lord, let me walk this extra miles for You.
Because I love You more.